Searching for Love in Likes

Thinking back to seventh grade, when I told my best friend I had fallen in love because of a mutual fondness for Dr. Pepper, I realize that we often time are looking for the wrong things when trying to find love. When you meet someone and go and peruse their social media profiles, you know you all do it, the things that jump out at you most are probably your shared interests. You thing Mumford and Sons are awesome and he also thinks Mumford and Son's is awesome, it's a perfect match!

Source

While it may sound silly simplified to that extent, think about it. How many times have you found yourself having a conversation with a person you may be interested in about just the things you have in common? The shared interest in music, movies, food, all petty and quite honestly meaningless things about them and yourself.

I think a major problem this generation is suffering from, at least in the romance department, is defining ourselves by our interests rather than who you are. Social media and a list of our virtual "likes" perpetrate the problem further.

Shared interests are maybe a great way to get a conversation started or to find an activity to bond over, but we seem to confuse them with the substance that can build a relationship. Unless you are writing a thesis on the impact of The Godfather on the perception of the mafia in popular culture, there is not much about that being your favorite movie that defines you as a person (even though it displays an excellent taste in movies!).

But seriously, Marlon Brando, amazing.

Think of how many millions of people listen to the same music, watch the same movies, and enjoy the same food as you. My chances of walking outside and running into someone of the opposite sex that has watched and enjoyed the same movie as me is extremely probable, and I'm in a foreign country!

The point I am making here is that we should center the conversation around getting to know people's passions rather than their pop culture interests. Knowing what drives a person tells you significantly more about their character than the fact that you both like spicy foods.

That being said, it should encourage you to look for people outside of your general scope of thinking. For example, just because I am an aspiring writer who enjoys 90s pop, that doesn't mean a computer programmer that likes bluegrass couldn't be my perfect match values wise.

So stop defining yourself by what your Facebook page says you're interested in and start going off of what makes you get out of bed every morning, whatever that may be. The change could very well help you find the right places to be looking.


As Always, Stay Classy
XOXO

Hayley Kiah

You won't find love in someone's pants.

While it may seem silly, and you might be saying, "Hayley, I'm not stupid I know I won't find love in some persons pants." But secretly you think that you might. Just admit it. Virtually all sexually active women (maybe men also) like to hope to at least some degree that they will actually fall in love with someone they are hooking up with. Knowing that this is wrong isn't anything new to you. But I'm going to give you a new take on why it won't work, other than sex is immoral.

So we're all clear on the fact that sex doesn't equal love, right? If you're not, feel free to refresh yourself on the topic here. Now that we've gotten that all sorted out let's talk about why you can't possibly find love that way but why it's also not necessarily a bad thing.

On second thought, let's check in their pants...

What are your intentions? If you're just looking for a good time there is nothing wrong with casual sex or hooking up outside of a relationship. But if you are looking for a significant other or to fall in love, even secretly deep down inside, just don't do it. You won't find love.

The problem isn't so much that you're cheapening yourself or that you've become dirty somehow by having sex, but rather that you've already put it out there that a relationship is not what you want and they have too.

Even saying the whole, "I never do this!" line won't help you prove that you want a relationship. By having sex or engaging in sexual acts with them you made them think that you are on the same page of not wanting anything more. It's not because they're a douche (though they definitely can be!) it's the fact that you mislead them about what you were looking for.

You also get back, what you give out. When you make yourself seem like an easy, fun time that's all that you will get back in return. There is nothing more annoying than a girl that gets upset when a guy doesn't actually like her AFTER she's already had sex with him. Of course he doesn't want you to be his girlfriend! You didn't act like girlfriend material!! And frankly, you don't want that guy to be your boyfriend either if that's the way he was acting.

This isn't to say that you can't have sex for fun. You totally can, just don't expect them to want anything serious with you afterwards. Just don't have sex (at least at first) with people that you may want a relationship with in the future.

The moral of the story is that there is nothing wrong with sex, just make sure that you put out the same vibes that you are wanting to get back.



As always, stay classy
Hayley

Is the internet killing romance?

One of women's all time favorite things to do is talk about how they wish romance was still like it was in old timey movies. Famous lines from movies like, It's a Wonderful Life, "you want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down," have us starstruck by the sweet, romanticism of it all. While part of the problem is that movies aren't real life, a larger and more solvable problem is that our technological generation is killing the romance.

It's a Wonderful Life

Men don't get a chance to tell us sweet lines like that because often times we have made our decision on what we think of them way before we actually give them a chance. Can our access to virtually all the information we could ever want about a person be the reason there is no more romance in our love lives? I think the answer is yes, for several reasons.

First of all, we no longer "get to know someone" in any kind of traditional sense. With a few quick taps on our keyboard we can know everything about a person, their birthday, favorite color, great aunt, the picture of them in their hometown newspaper when they won a ribbon for participation in a wrestling tournament when they were 8 years old, everything.

Spend a little less time doing this...

The problem with this is that when we learn about someone through a computer or phone screen we miss out on all the best stuff. We don't get to hear the funny story that goes along with newspaper clipping. We don't get to hear why their past relationship didn't work out from them. An electronic device can't show you the way they snort when they recall a good memory or the pain still present when talking about a family pet that passed. You miss out on so much.

Not only do you miss out learning more about them you either fall in love with or dislike someone based on their online profile. Someone can seem perfect for you through the lens of what they choice to post and write about themselves, but it can't show you the real them. It can also cause you to not give them a chance because you think you know something about them, without letting them offer an explanation.

Those are just the major issues that come up. We haven't even talked about accidentally bringing up a personal fact they haven't told you yet or the fact that you miss out on all the excitement.

... More time doing this.

So the point that knowledge is power. It's great to know a little something about someone before you devote time to them. But at what cost? The next time you meet a new guy or gal instead of heading straight to their facebook to analyze every girl that's posted on their wall in the past year or try and decide if that's their sister or an ex-girlfriend, stop and think about what you're doing.

Part of the fun of dating is the discovery. Finding out bit by bit about someone new. Romance lies in the mystery of not knowing all the facts. Googling someone is like starting a new book at the ending, which you just should never do. So unless you are one of those horrible people that read the endings of books first, resist the urge to google and let the romance thrive.


As always, stay classy
XOXO

Hayley

Is honesty really the best policy?

“People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty.”

 Richard J. Needham

Imagine a world where people really say what they mean. I mean really say the complete and honest truth. That sounds great right? No one lies to anyone. But sometimes it seems like the truth can hurt more than a lie. Brutal honesty isn't exactly a walk in the park.

One of the most confusing parts about girls or human beings in general is that we have no idea what we want. We say we want the truth but really we only want the sugar coating. The truth is a lot like a bowl of trail mix. We buy it but all you really want is the m&ms.

So I guess the problem is that we have different styles of communicating and how we want that truth given to us. For myself just straight up telling me the truth that you don't like me or think I'm terrible at my job is going to make me start crying. But for others that may be the best way to give them feedback.

Think about how this applies to relationships when the two people don't understand how each other communicate and how many pointless fights are started over it. The "does this make me look fat" question is a perfect example. While some women may prefer honesty others just want you to tell them they look nice and aren't looking for a real answer.

While I would never condone lying or dishonesty (that's probably my biggest pet peeve ever) I don't know that you always have to tell the whole brutal truth because most of the time I'd rather just not know that the reason you broke up with me was because you thought you had a chance with my even hotter sister. Isn't just tell me things aren't working out. I know it's not quite the truth but it still gets the same point across.

So ladies or gentleman for my occasional male reader think about how you want to be talked to. Do you prefer to have things sugar coated or is the harsh truth better for you? Do you prefer to be told bad things or even good things through writing on face to face discussion? You don't have to sit your partner down and demand they talk to you that way but you can subtly hint that when they are really harsh with you it hurts your feelings or that you don't appreciate them trying to soften bad news.

Whatever the case you need to find out your communication style and the communication style of the person you are with if you want to have a solid, open relationship with less hurt feeling. But above all remember that being dishonest is never the answer just find the right way to present the truth.




As always, stay classy
XOXO

Hayley

The Deal on the DTR: Defining the Relationship

There is perhaps nothing more awkward that the in-between stage of a relationship where you know you like someone and that there is some sort of thing going on but you are unsure of the other persons feelings or commitment to it. In college it's generally that we're hooking up but is there more to it than that? But it can also simply be that you are going on dates or spending a lot of time together and unsure of what it all means.

Simply put, it's awkward and confusing and puts you in a super weird position when trying to describe your relationship. Most of us just settle on the word thing, which is about as un-descriptive as it gets.

So the real question we all want answered is how do you know or find out if your thing is leading towards something. The first step to honestly evaluate the type of relationship you currently are having.

• Are you both initiating conversation and hanging out/dates? 
• How much have you guys gotten to actually know each other? 
• Can you hang out in a non-sexual situation? Do you even want to?
• Have they confirmed having feelings for you or at least an interest in you and your life?

If the answer to a lot of these questions is no then I'm sorry to say it sounds like you are on a one sided relationship without getting any love in return. Not to say that a relationship isn't possible but don't lie to yourself and end up getting hurt. If you are unsure then you're probably not being honest with yourself, think again.

If you answered yes to most of these questions then it sure sounds like there is something more to this than just the friendship or sexual aspect. If this is your case then terrific! But what the heck do you do now?

This is where we get to the gritty nasty stuff. The dreaded DTR or Defining the Relationship conversation. The first step though is to not refer to it as the DTR that will only shut the other person down from having a serious conversation if they think it's a "relationship talk."

There are a few basic things you should find out or at least establish. Are you exclusive? You don't have to be someones girlfriend/boyfriend to claim exclusivity in your relationship. Setting that boundary is the first step. 

Second, what are they looking for? Are they leaving to join the Peace Corp in a month and not wanting anything serious or are they wanting to get settled down in the near future? These are important things to establish so that you can see if you want the same things. 

Third, don't push the label thing, at first. So you can both agree that you like spending time together and don't want to be seeing other people. That doesn't mean that you have to declare yourself boyfriend and girlfriend or partners or whatever you want to call it. Take a chill pill and let whatever happens develop. If you are exclusively seeing each other already not being labeled isn't hurting you that much. The exception to this is if it gets to be an absurdly long amount of time and the other person just isn't willing to put a title on it for whatever reason. When you are sure that you are a couple and they just won't say it give an ultimatum and chances are they'll change their mind. 

The main thing you need to remember is that this is your relationship, no one elses. So don't worry about giving other people the labels they want to hear. Are you happy with your situation? If so then don't worry about anyone else! 

In any case, good luck and I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

As always, stay classy

Hayley

XOXO

Forget Old Fashioned Dating Rules

So I know I previously mentioned the guy I will call Frat Boy if you didn't catch that post you can read it here. Well last week he was on spring break and I know both of us have been super busy and we haven't had much time to talk because he's not a fan of texting (he thinks it's a bad way to have conversations which is kind of admirable of him).

Because of this we had not made plans to hang out again. This lead me to sitting there debating well should I just ask him or is that not right?

I put up the question to some of my twitter followers who had mixed signals. They said if he wants to talk to you he will. But then again he rarely texts anyone and he knows I'm really busy. Plus he's initiated  our last couple of hang outs.

Being the modern minded girl that I am I decided to go ahead and do the dreaded contacting him first. But what's the worst that can happen?

Well I'm glad that I did because he was thrilled to make plans to hang out but just wasn't sure if my schedule would allow since he knows that I do just about everything there is to do on campus.

Sadly we have to wait till next week because neither of our schedules line up this week. He has to attend like a million concerts for his classes so I think he is excused.

My point is though that old fashion dating rules should just go out the window. If you want something go after it see what happens. Sometimes when you take a chance it may just turn out right!!

What are your all policies on contacting the guy first?

Dear Heart, Love Your Head

I have a question for you all. Why do our hormones continue to tell us we like someone even after we are 90% sure there is no chance of a relationship? I blame this on my hormones because surely my brain knows better than to set me up for failure. But my heart it doesn't care it only wants what it wants.

The worst dilemma to be in is liking someone, they know that you like them, yet they don't really do anything about it. You KNOW that this obviously means nothing is going to happen between you too.

Believing in this

Yet for some reason you still cling to that small hope that maybe they really "aren't ready for a serious relationship right now." (This is still doubtful.)

Is it that we crave love and affection SOOOO much that we will figuratively throw our heart out into moving traffic in the hope that we will make it to the other side and be in love with someone that loves us back?

Well what I have to say to this is that sometimes our heart needs a good smack from our head. Stop wasting your time and feelings over someone that you know it won't ever happen with. Even if something were to happen the fact that they are falling all over themselves to be with you now shows that they are clearly not worth your time.

I really really badly need to take my own advice. Hopefully I will take it soon before I end up getting hurt sending out all my feelings and getting none in return.

I strongly believe that when you find "The One" they will also have that innate sense that you too are extremely special to their lives. If the person you are craving isn't sensing that, despite your attempts, cut your loses and move on to bigger things!

So I will leave you with a lovely Journey song that describes this situation moderately well:

As Always, Stay Classy
XOXO


Hayley

What's wrong with single?

Hey everyone! Be sure to check out my guest post I did today on Classic+Glam for Halle!

So Valentines Day is here and I am celebrating it sans boyfriend. But I'm not upset about it! In fact I'm thrilled that I get to celebrate it with the people I really love!

But ever since it turned New Years it seems like everyone has been talking about the Day of Love and how they are spending it single or with their special someone. It seems to be there is a huge negative connotation around being single.

Source

What I want to know is, what's so wrong with single?? Why is it that we feel like failures because we don't have significant others just yet?

Well I am here to tell you that it is ok to be single! (It's ok to be in a relationship too.)

We are taught our whole lives that we are the best at everything. In every sport we get a trophy or rewarded just for participating. Our parents tell us we can be whatever we want to be. The problem is someone we grow up and this "coddling" stops. But we don't know how to deal with it.

Not being the best or the same or having a boyfriend doesn't mean we have failed. It's just life and we shouldn't feel like we have done anything wrong because of it.

They make single look fab!

So this Valentines Day, if you are spending it single then live it up and celebrate all those special people you love like your family and friends or maybe your puppy.

When you stop looking for love it will find you so start living your life without worrying about your relationship status!

Dear 14 Year Old Self

Dear 14 year old Me,

You're not going to want to hear this, but you don't have it all figured out. The things that you think mean the whole world, like getting your first kiss, falling in love, getting that boy to like you, they aren't that important so don't sweat it.

You are going to have your heart broken when that boy you really liked tells you he doesn't feel the same way at the track meet. But you should be so proud that you didn't cry because he will gain about 50 lbs. and stay in your hometown.

My "boyfriend" when I was 14.

You will think that your first kiss is the most important thing in the world and that it is all you care about getting. Believe me, it won't be that great. In fact it will be absolutely terrible! But don't worry there will be many more kisses to come with boys you really care about.

You may think that you aren't popular or cool because you don't want to party. Those people will end up dropping out of college and staying at home. You are so much better than them.

My baby sister and I

In the years to come you'll go against your gut and make decisions you will regret. But just remember that the most important thing you have is your family and you should never let anyone or any boy come in between your relationship with them.

Most of all remember that even when it seems like the world is over, your life is just beginning.


Love,
20 year old You

The Scary L Word: Love

As a single woman I tend to gravity towards other single women in my real life, twitter, and blogging. One thing that all of us have in common is that we are obsessed with our singlehood. It is probably one of the biggest things we talk about. How we wish that perfect guy would show up. How we don't need a man and we're happy to be single. How we're lonely.

Source

The thing is that I wonder what many of us would do in the situation if we actually found this elusive "perfect guy." Would we know what to do or would we be to scared??

While love sounds great on paper it is pretty frightening in real life. With love comes the possibility of rejection, heartbreak, and tears. But also the possibility of real happiness, fulfillment, and the enjoyment of companionship.

All of this leads me to wonder if in reality we are scared of love!

There are so many opportunities that present themselves that we choose to ignore for one reason or another but what we have to ask ourselves is, is that the real reason you won't commit or is it because we are frightened of losing ourselves or getting hurt?

It is ok to be scared of falling in love but fear shouldn't stop us from pursuing it. So I challenge you the next time you turn down a guy that seemed like he could fit well with you think about the real reasons you are doing it. You might be surprised!!



As Always, Stay Classy
XOXO


Hayley

What you DIDN'T do wrong.

I recently had a conversation about how upset girls get when a guy breaks up with them or doesn't want to see them anymore. The question that comes to mind is always "What did I do wrong?" or "How could I have fixed this?"

Most often though, at least in his opinion, they did absolutely nothing wrong. He says that the saying it's not you, it's me, can apply in a lot of cases. 

To Cute!!!

When we first met someone we instantly make a judgement about them whether we want to or not. We decide if we like the way they look or the way they talk or laugh. From there we begin to break everything else down. The way they hold their fork. The way they try to open packages by pulling them apart instead of just tearing them open. (These are real reasons he has been annoyed by girls!)

We can't help but find all the little things that just bug us. We do this with everyone regardless of if it's someone we are romantically interested in or not something about everyone annoys you. 

The problem is most of the time people aren't going to tell you what these annoyances are. They will tell you it's just bad timing, they're to busy, they just don't think your personalities are compatible. When really it may of just been some weird thing that annoyed the other person and it was nothing you could really do about it. 

So I guess when the time comes that someone just doesn't feel you like you are feeling them you shouldn't be asking yourself. What was it that I did wrong? Was it the text I sent at 6AM that said my life would be incomplete without you? Or was it the fact that I call his mom everyday without him know? 

Ok I was just kidding about those. But chances are there is no need to beat yourself up about what is wrong with you because it is probably something wrong with HIM. So just let it go and find someone that may have 10 things they hate that you do but 100 things they love that make them stay. 

As Always, Stay Classy

XOXO

Hayley

How Far Would You Go?

How far would you go for what could potentially be love? As I talked about in my post The Boy She Meet Online, meeting people online isn't that taboo anymore. So does this mean that we have a greater chance of finding our soulmate than we ever did before?

When I was younger (And way to into deep thinking!) I used to worry that the love of my life could be across the world where I could never possibly find him. But now that has become much less of a problem because it doesn't matter if he's across the world, or the country because through the internet I can still find him.

Source

But how far would you go for this chance at love? Would you fly half way across the country to meet a stranger in the hopes that they could be your perfect match?

I mean I suppose you were answering that question yes when you began to talk to someone that you knew was far away. But what if it is simply the glamour of falling for a stranger that attracts you more than the actual compatibility.

I realize I've just asked a lot of questions and have given absolutely zero answers. But the thing is that I don't have any answers to give you just yet.

Maybe it's being scared of taking a chance or even of something actually working, of actually falling in love with someone that holds us back from doing crazy things. I constantly encourage you all to take chances and do things you never dreamed you would do, so many it's time I took that advice for myself and finally did something crazy.

This gives me a lot to think about... I apologize for the nonsensical rant but I appreciate any thoughts you may have on the matter!!


As Always, Stay Classy
XOXO

Hayley
 (using my real name now! Exciting!!)

Dear Former Boyfriend

I wrote this one week after my break-up. It makes me so happy to know that I was this sure of myself and that I still feel the exact same way. I just thought it would be nice to share with you all. 

Dear Former Boyfriend,

I loved you and I was willing to be with you the rest of my life… IF you could change just a few things. But those few things are who you are and what if I don’t like the person you become.

Even though you took away so much from me; my family, friends, most importantly my self-worth I do not hate you. I hope that you gained from me as much as you took.

Realizing that you were not my burden to bear was the most freeing feeling in the world. I am free to be myself, love myself, love whoever I want too. I just want to thank you for teaching me who I am and what I want out of this life. Though it is so much more than you could ever offer me.

Good bye forever,

Freed Spirit