Are we making ourselves lonely?

How well do you really know your friends or significant others? You probably spend a lot of time with them and talk about a huge range of topics. But does that mean you really know them?

When I was in Argentina I spent every day with the same few people. By default of not being able to distract ourselves with cell phones or really talk to anyone else, we spent a lot of time talking about everything. After three months, I felt safe in saying that I knew them all pretty well. But then one evening it somehow came up that one person's sibling had a brain tumor and other's parent had terminal cancer. I was blown away by the fact that I knew nothing at all about these people, not really. 

It's so easy to live our lives pretending to go deep and pretending to really share ourselves with others when we actually do it so rarely. I know that I personally am guilty of doing the tell you enough unimportant information that you feel like you know me, when I've really told you nothing at all. 

Our deepest conversations so often focus on our past struggles or on the silly surface level details rather than our current challenges. We fake real connections then wonder why we feel so lonely and isolated. 

I'm not suggesting that we start off all our relationships and conversations with heavy, difficult topics, but rather that we make it a point to share those at some point in time. 

I think what makes my relationship so strong with my closest friends (aka my girls) is not that I know what each of them does every day or what each of their favorite colors are, it is that I know what scares them and what motivates them and what makes them uniquely them. The other stuff is great to know, but the fact that one of my friends loves rice and the other is obsessed with Kristin Wiig does little to let me know who they really are. 

So often, we try to guard ourselves against getting hurt, when really we end up hurting ourselves much more by not creating real connections with the people around us. I challenge you to make your relationships with people more intentional whether, platonic, romantic, familial, or otherwise. 

Sometimes you are going to get hurt or rejected, but sometimes you are also going to create deeper, more meaningful relationships with people. I don't know about you, but I think that makes the risk worth it.  

Playing it Cool: The "Cool Girl" Complex

Ever have a moment where you read something or see something and it just instantly resonates with you on a close and personal level? Well, I've recently had that kind of a moment with the movie/book Gone Girl. I loved it so much that I watched in theaters twice and am now reading the book. Even a couple weeks later, I just can't stop thinking about the crux of the novel, the "cool girl" tirade.

Here is an excerpt of her rant to give you some background (Note: this has been edited for clarity and vulgarity, but the full text can be found here!)

"Men always say that as the defining compliment, don't they? She's a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer... Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don't mind, I'm the Cool Girl."

First of all I want to clarify that this speech isn't to imply that some women can't enjoy football and beer and also be stunningly beautiful at the same time. Rather it showcases how women feel the need to edit who they are to conform to a man's ideals and desires. But the key takeaway I got was the fact that a Cool Girl never gets angry. Setting down boundaries or asking for respect from your partner almost instantaneously makes you a bitch.

I'll admit it (and I'm sure I'm not alone on this one) that I have tried my very best to be a Cool Girl. You're going to be an hour late and I'm already at the restaurant? No problem, I'll just hang out! You would rather go to the bar and get drunk with your friends than meet my parents? Have a ball! I don't give a shit what you do! Those are real things that I've done that are really bothersome to look back on.

Why on earth did I lie and say that I was fine with something when really I was pretty angry about it? Why was I scared to object and ask that a man respect me and the plans he made with me? It's because I wanted to be the Cool Girl. I wanted them to love me and think that I was the greatest girl in the world because I was fun and never got mad about anything. Because if I said no, you can't go out with your friends because you made a promise to me I'm instantly the bad guy. Funny how a woman simply asking to be treated with respect makes her the nag that nobody wants to date.

Movies have been giving us unrealistic expectations of relationships for our whole life, so why does it matter anymore this time? I think the answer lies in the fact that this is a more believable, subtle lie perpetrated by our popular culture. It's generally understood that the busty super model isn't generally a real life attainable woman. But the Cool Girl, she's played in the understated, I'm just so average and cool I can't be made up. I was created to be the real woman for the masses. 

So we try and we try to make ourselves more Cool and fun and quirky and laid back to win over the hearts of men that are breaking ours by treating us like a doormat. We let men and society put us into categories (once again!) of either super fun or neurotic and bitchy, when it's really more like we're the doormat or the self-respecting woman.  

In the end, I guess our only defense is to be ourselves, unashamed of the fact that we don't know everything about football or that we expect our significant others to keep plans. While we can't fight Hollywood, we can fight our own willingness to become yet another stereotype of the ideal woman. 

I may not be an ideal woman or a Cool Girl, but I am myself for all of my flaws and triumphs and I encourage you to attempt to embrace that a little more, because what makes you awesome is your uniqueness not your eagerness to please. 

Stay Classy,

Hayley XO

Is everyone getting married without me?

For everyone not in the Midwest, this may not be as much of an issue right now. But for all of us living in the very exceptionally landlocked part of the country, saying that everyone you know is getting married or having children may actually be true. In fact, I don't have enough fingers to count all the people that are my age (22) or below that are married or engaged that I've been friends with. It's sort of a surreal feeling to imagine people like you spending the rest of their lives with someone when you still feel like you're that awkward girl with the braces and cat eye glasses that was dying to be kissed.

So why does it feel like everyone is getting married? And why is it totally okay if they are and you're still in the single ready to mingle point in your life.

First off, the reason that you seem to feel surrounded by married couples and soon to wed ones is because you have much greater access to acquaintances and not super close friends lives. Before people had Facebook and Instagram to bombard with photos of their ring and dress and flowers and #MCM husband the only way you found out was through word of mouth or the announcement in the newspaper. If you limited everyone you know that's engaged or married to only posting one thing about  it, I bet it will seem like a whole lot less than you felt like before.

But all that being said. There is nothing wrong with people being super excited about the person they are going to spend the rest of their lives with. I mean, I can hardly restrain myself from posting every single picture I take of my beautiful niece because I want to share with the world how incredible she is when she makes one of her 5 different infant faces. Being excited is the completely natural thing to do and wanting to over share is pretty normal also.

The problem becomes when you take their gushing about their love as a challenge or an attack on how your love life is going. I firmly believe that 99.999% of the time it has absolutely nothing to do with you (sorry).

But still, you say, it makes you feel your single hood even more (grabbing the nearest cat and a pint of Ben and Jerry's). The biggest mistake you are making probably lies in that you are ignoring all the totally awesome things you have done too. For myself I went on a super awesome adventure and got a dog and have now realized I have a long way to go before I should ever be responsible for another human being.

Just don't let this happen!

I guess the problem is that we try to turn our lives into one big marathon. We assume that we're all on this same path and that these people are meeting checkpoints ahead of us. When in reality it's like we're running in completely different races or maybe aren't wanting to be in a race at all!

So maybe everyone is getting married (probably not completely true but we can go with it), SO WHAT? Be happy for them but also be happy for yourself. Our accomplishments aren't limited to specific categories like relationships, worldly experience, education... they are open to being anything in the whole world which is pretty awesome.

And if none of that works at least you get to go shopping because you're going to need some outfits to wear to all those weddings.


XOXO
Hayley

Chau Chicos!!

Before coming to Argentina I had thought about all the amazing things I would do, the beautiful sights I would see, and the adventures I would have. I never really factored in who I would be sharing all of those experiences with. While I think I prepared myself to miss my family and friends back home, the fact that I'll be going home is always in my mind. What I didn't think about was all the wonderful people I would meet and all the relationships I would make during my time abroad.

Taken by the guy with a broken arm, hilarious.

Today I said good bye (though not forever!) to my gang. It was a bittersweet moment because as much as I want to be home, I don't want to lose all of these people. Over the course of four months we've shared so much more than what usually happens between friends I've had for years. Now that this is over, they will be the only people who can really understand what all the name, Argentina applies when we say it.

We've shared countless laughs together and tears too. Together we've watched each other become different people than we were before we stepped off that plane and into this adventure. It's a bond I never expected to be making but I'm so glad I did. There are a lot of great people I've met here that I will probably never see or hear from ever again but I'm happy I got the chance to meet them. I hope that they got as much from our relationships as I did from them.

Gotta love our gansta poses.

Even if my group never gets back together again, though I really hope we do, I just hope they know how much I love them. We're a family and they helped make my experience here in Argentina what it has been. At the end of the day I don't think I'm going to remember the frustrating times but rather the great times and the bond that we created.

I thought I would come home from Argentina more experienced about the world and with memories of cool places I saw. But it turns out I'm coming back with something so much better, a whole new set of people to love!

So if you're reading this, remember it's not chau it's nos vemos because we will see each other again!


Besos,
Hayley

Summer Loving: Is it worth the effort?

College has left me in a very complicated situation as to where I can say I live. Depending on the month I can be in Southwest MO, Kansas City, or Buenos Aires, Argentina. And after I graduate next spring I could quite literally be anywhere in the world. So if I do meet someone that seems interesting, where do I tell them I'm living?

The problem with being in a million different places for odd amounts of time is that you have enough time to meet people but not enough to create a substainial relationship that would be worth trying to have through the distance. Maybe my problem is that I'm not meeting people that are worth attempting the distance for but I'm not sure.

So when you're single and home from college is a summer romance really worth it? Well that really depends on a lot of things but here are some questions to ask yourself to help figure it out.

Source

How did you meet this person?

If you met them in a bar at 1AM the chances of this relationship really going places are slim. Even if you are to start developing a relationship outside of an alcohol filled setting, the problem is you both will be questioning the others worth because of your circumstances and a serious relationship may never develop.

If you met during something a little more wholesome or doing something you have a shared interest in. IE: You're both lifeguards at Whitewater for the summer or you workout at the same time every week. Basically you have some kind of common ground to build upon then you're off to a good start.

How much do you like them?

This may seem like a silly question but it's one to consider. If you don't immediately answer A WHOLE LOT then your future is probably questionable. While this may not always be true, I'm a strong believer in first impressions and I think if you aren't intially crazy about a person, you never really will be.

If you do like them A WHOLE LOT then you have to really start thinking about if they are liking you a whole lot also. If they are then great! Get to work on building a stronger relationship for when you're not able to be together.

Source

Is a relationship realistic?

This one more applies to situations of extreme distance, such as international love. Even if you loved this person, would it be possible for you to be together? Would you be able to visit or see each other. This would be for example if you feel in love with someone from say China and they just graduated college and have to go home. They may not be able to get a visa to permantly stay with you or you just may not be able to afford to see them. If your relationship has no foreseeable light at the end of the tunnel it will probably just end in heartbreak.

What are both of your expectations and goals?

For myself, a guy that planned on staying in the Midwest probably just wouldn't be a good fit because I plan on living abroad. But for other people a guy that planned on travel extensively may be an awful fit! It's important to know where you both are going in life. Also do you know what they are expecting out of this relationship? Are they looking for a long term commitment or not? If you have different expectations this can quickly turn into a train wreck.

The most important thing to consider with your potential summer romance or with any budding relationship is to make sure you are on the same page. As awkward as it maybe, you need to find out what they want and make sure that it is what you want also. Plenty of summer romances have turned into great, lasting relationships. It really just depends on the effort you are willing to put in.


As Always, Stay Classy
XOXO

Hayley

You won't find love in someone's pants.

While it may seem silly, and you might be saying, "Hayley, I'm not stupid I know I won't find love in some persons pants." But secretly you think that you might. Just admit it. Virtually all sexually active women (maybe men also) like to hope to at least some degree that they will actually fall in love with someone they are hooking up with. Knowing that this is wrong isn't anything new to you. But I'm going to give you a new take on why it won't work, other than sex is immoral.

So we're all clear on the fact that sex doesn't equal love, right? If you're not, feel free to refresh yourself on the topic here. Now that we've gotten that all sorted out let's talk about why you can't possibly find love that way but why it's also not necessarily a bad thing.

On second thought, let's check in their pants...

What are your intentions? If you're just looking for a good time there is nothing wrong with casual sex or hooking up outside of a relationship. But if you are looking for a significant other or to fall in love, even secretly deep down inside, just don't do it. You won't find love.

The problem isn't so much that you're cheapening yourself or that you've become dirty somehow by having sex, but rather that you've already put it out there that a relationship is not what you want and they have too.

Even saying the whole, "I never do this!" line won't help you prove that you want a relationship. By having sex or engaging in sexual acts with them you made them think that you are on the same page of not wanting anything more. It's not because they're a douche (though they definitely can be!) it's the fact that you mislead them about what you were looking for.

You also get back, what you give out. When you make yourself seem like an easy, fun time that's all that you will get back in return. There is nothing more annoying than a girl that gets upset when a guy doesn't actually like her AFTER she's already had sex with him. Of course he doesn't want you to be his girlfriend! You didn't act like girlfriend material!! And frankly, you don't want that guy to be your boyfriend either if that's the way he was acting.

This isn't to say that you can't have sex for fun. You totally can, just don't expect them to want anything serious with you afterwards. Just don't have sex (at least at first) with people that you may want a relationship with in the future.

The moral of the story is that there is nothing wrong with sex, just make sure that you put out the same vibes that you are wanting to get back.



As always, stay classy
Hayley

Is the internet killing romance?

One of women's all time favorite things to do is talk about how they wish romance was still like it was in old timey movies. Famous lines from movies like, It's a Wonderful Life, "you want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down," have us starstruck by the sweet, romanticism of it all. While part of the problem is that movies aren't real life, a larger and more solvable problem is that our technological generation is killing the romance.

It's a Wonderful Life

Men don't get a chance to tell us sweet lines like that because often times we have made our decision on what we think of them way before we actually give them a chance. Can our access to virtually all the information we could ever want about a person be the reason there is no more romance in our love lives? I think the answer is yes, for several reasons.

First of all, we no longer "get to know someone" in any kind of traditional sense. With a few quick taps on our keyboard we can know everything about a person, their birthday, favorite color, great aunt, the picture of them in their hometown newspaper when they won a ribbon for participation in a wrestling tournament when they were 8 years old, everything.

Spend a little less time doing this...

The problem with this is that when we learn about someone through a computer or phone screen we miss out on all the best stuff. We don't get to hear the funny story that goes along with newspaper clipping. We don't get to hear why their past relationship didn't work out from them. An electronic device can't show you the way they snort when they recall a good memory or the pain still present when talking about a family pet that passed. You miss out on so much.

Not only do you miss out learning more about them you either fall in love with or dislike someone based on their online profile. Someone can seem perfect for you through the lens of what they choice to post and write about themselves, but it can't show you the real them. It can also cause you to not give them a chance because you think you know something about them, without letting them offer an explanation.

Those are just the major issues that come up. We haven't even talked about accidentally bringing up a personal fact they haven't told you yet or the fact that you miss out on all the excitement.

... More time doing this.

So the point that knowledge is power. It's great to know a little something about someone before you devote time to them. But at what cost? The next time you meet a new guy or gal instead of heading straight to their facebook to analyze every girl that's posted on their wall in the past year or try and decide if that's their sister or an ex-girlfriend, stop and think about what you're doing.

Part of the fun of dating is the discovery. Finding out bit by bit about someone new. Romance lies in the mystery of not knowing all the facts. Googling someone is like starting a new book at the ending, which you just should never do. So unless you are one of those horrible people that read the endings of books first, resist the urge to google and let the romance thrive.


As always, stay classy
XOXO

Hayley

Can your friends ruin your love life?

If you're like most people in college your best friends are probably a big part of your life. Without your family nearby they become your family away from home. You share everything from clothes and shoes to advice and stories they know pretty much every detail of your life.

You love your friends, but does your relationship with them stop you from having real romantic relationships? Maybe they do. Approaching a girl is scary and immidating. Imagine having to approach a huge group of girls that are all sizing you up and judging your every move. The impenetrable block that are your girlfriends are a surefire way for a guy to move on to a girl that seems more approachable.

The Spice Girls

My girl group consists of 6 females with wildly different personalities but very strong opinions. We've been called the Cheeta Girls, Mean Girls, but the most popular is the Spice Girls. We're know for being inseparable, which isn't a good thing for any guy that wants to talk to us. 

So how do you get guys to approach you without giving up your girl time? 

• Branch Out: I know you love your friends and want to spend every waking moment with them, but try to do somethings on your own. Go to an event on campus solo or join a new club. You'll make some new friends, seem ultra-confident, and be much easier for guys to want to talk to.

• Make Your Own Decisions: Even though you want run everything you do or say by your girls resist the urge and go with your gut. When you have to second guess everything or have your friends approve every text you send, you lose a little bit of the fun.

• Be Independent: Obviously you're going to still go out with your friends but try going to the bathroom on your own, get a new drink by yourself, or dance solo. They're not kidding when they say confidence is sexy. No guy will be able to take his eyes off you when they see that you're not attached to another girl. 

Inseparable where ever we go!

Just because you want to land a guy doesn't mean you should give up your relationship with your girlfriends. But try to act a little more like you're in college and not 7th grade and you'll seem like some one a guy (hopefully a worthwhile guy) would want to take to. 

As always, stay classy

XOXO

Hayley

Is honesty really the best policy?

“People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty.”

 Richard J. Needham

Imagine a world where people really say what they mean. I mean really say the complete and honest truth. That sounds great right? No one lies to anyone. But sometimes it seems like the truth can hurt more than a lie. Brutal honesty isn't exactly a walk in the park.

One of the most confusing parts about girls or human beings in general is that we have no idea what we want. We say we want the truth but really we only want the sugar coating. The truth is a lot like a bowl of trail mix. We buy it but all you really want is the m&ms.

So I guess the problem is that we have different styles of communicating and how we want that truth given to us. For myself just straight up telling me the truth that you don't like me or think I'm terrible at my job is going to make me start crying. But for others that may be the best way to give them feedback.

Think about how this applies to relationships when the two people don't understand how each other communicate and how many pointless fights are started over it. The "does this make me look fat" question is a perfect example. While some women may prefer honesty others just want you to tell them they look nice and aren't looking for a real answer.

While I would never condone lying or dishonesty (that's probably my biggest pet peeve ever) I don't know that you always have to tell the whole brutal truth because most of the time I'd rather just not know that the reason you broke up with me was because you thought you had a chance with my even hotter sister. Isn't just tell me things aren't working out. I know it's not quite the truth but it still gets the same point across.

So ladies or gentleman for my occasional male reader think about how you want to be talked to. Do you prefer to have things sugar coated or is the harsh truth better for you? Do you prefer to be told bad things or even good things through writing on face to face discussion? You don't have to sit your partner down and demand they talk to you that way but you can subtly hint that when they are really harsh with you it hurts your feelings or that you don't appreciate them trying to soften bad news.

Whatever the case you need to find out your communication style and the communication style of the person you are with if you want to have a solid, open relationship with less hurt feeling. But above all remember that being dishonest is never the answer just find the right way to present the truth.




As always, stay classy
XOXO

Hayley

The Deal on the DTR: Defining the Relationship

There is perhaps nothing more awkward that the in-between stage of a relationship where you know you like someone and that there is some sort of thing going on but you are unsure of the other persons feelings or commitment to it. In college it's generally that we're hooking up but is there more to it than that? But it can also simply be that you are going on dates or spending a lot of time together and unsure of what it all means.

Simply put, it's awkward and confusing and puts you in a super weird position when trying to describe your relationship. Most of us just settle on the word thing, which is about as un-descriptive as it gets.

So the real question we all want answered is how do you know or find out if your thing is leading towards something. The first step to honestly evaluate the type of relationship you currently are having.

• Are you both initiating conversation and hanging out/dates? 
• How much have you guys gotten to actually know each other? 
• Can you hang out in a non-sexual situation? Do you even want to?
• Have they confirmed having feelings for you or at least an interest in you and your life?

If the answer to a lot of these questions is no then I'm sorry to say it sounds like you are on a one sided relationship without getting any love in return. Not to say that a relationship isn't possible but don't lie to yourself and end up getting hurt. If you are unsure then you're probably not being honest with yourself, think again.

If you answered yes to most of these questions then it sure sounds like there is something more to this than just the friendship or sexual aspect. If this is your case then terrific! But what the heck do you do now?

This is where we get to the gritty nasty stuff. The dreaded DTR or Defining the Relationship conversation. The first step though is to not refer to it as the DTR that will only shut the other person down from having a serious conversation if they think it's a "relationship talk."

There are a few basic things you should find out or at least establish. Are you exclusive? You don't have to be someones girlfriend/boyfriend to claim exclusivity in your relationship. Setting that boundary is the first step. 

Second, what are they looking for? Are they leaving to join the Peace Corp in a month and not wanting anything serious or are they wanting to get settled down in the near future? These are important things to establish so that you can see if you want the same things. 

Third, don't push the label thing, at first. So you can both agree that you like spending time together and don't want to be seeing other people. That doesn't mean that you have to declare yourself boyfriend and girlfriend or partners or whatever you want to call it. Take a chill pill and let whatever happens develop. If you are exclusively seeing each other already not being labeled isn't hurting you that much. The exception to this is if it gets to be an absurdly long amount of time and the other person just isn't willing to put a title on it for whatever reason. When you are sure that you are a couple and they just won't say it give an ultimatum and chances are they'll change their mind. 

The main thing you need to remember is that this is your relationship, no one elses. So don't worry about giving other people the labels they want to hear. Are you happy with your situation? If so then don't worry about anyone else! 

In any case, good luck and I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

As always, stay classy

Hayley

XOXO

Surviving the Holidays Single

For those that are newly single or just facing yet another Christmas/New Years with no one it's not always easy to cope with being alone. Sometimes this leads us to make stupid decisions like not leaving bed for days or dating a crappy guy out of desperation. While I can't magically help you find the love of  your life I guarantee you won't find him at the bottom of a tub of Ben and Jerry's.

Last Christmas break I spent the majority of time in bed surrounded by cats no joke. It was on the fourth day that I hadn't left my room and I was covered in cats, crying because the wedding dress I loved was being discontinued that my parents and sister intervened. They told me that I had to shower because it was sad and just plain gross. My incentive was ice cream. That was definitely a low point I never plan on reaching again so here are my helpful tips to stop you for doing what I did.

#1 Stay busy!

I know that the nice part about break is that you get to relax and maybe sleep in a bit. The only problem is that you can't let sleep be the only thing on your schedule. Try to set a time you have to wake up and things to do so you don't end up in bed till mid-afternoon everyday. Some ideas would be visiting old friends to catch up, going to make new friends, or even just going out to window shop. Anything is better than nothing!

My bed was covered in cats!

#2 Create a support system.

Even if you are away from your best friends over break make sure that you have check in times with them. If you start feeling really blue make sure you have someone that you can call to vent to that will cheer you up.

#3 Dress your best.

I've realized for myself that how I look affects how I feel. If everyday I don't get dressed or put in my contacts or fix my hair I start to feel as sloppy as I look. This isn't to say that you have to be dressed to the nines every time you go to Walmart but at least put on some real pants for heavens sakes.

This was my outfit for most of break.

#4 Don't let relatives get you down.

We all have that aunt or grandma that questions why you are still single which is an instant mood killer. You can't prevent them from asking prying questions, like when my Grandma asked me if I was "into the boy thing right now are not." But we can control how we react to those questions. So instead of getting upset tell the about something else positive and great going on in your life.
Ex. Well I don't have a man in my life but I just got promoted at my job!

#5 Keep things in perspective.

While sometimes you may feel like the only single person left in the world you have to keep in mind that despite what Facebook may tell you, you're not. Chances are you're probably to young and amazing to be worrying about spinsterhood right now. So instead of focusing on how depressing your love life is, work to make you the best you can be.

And remember you have to love yourself before anyone can even have a chance at loving you so use the holiday season for self-improvement rather than self-loathing. Happy holidays!



As Always, Stay Classy
XOXO

Hayley Kiah

Catfish: Can you love a stranger?

Just another show in MTV's long list of forgettable reality series, Catfish has seemed to have struck a cord with us. Meeting someone online isn't all that hard in our digital age. But the idea of falling in love with them and talking to them for years without proof of who they are sounds a little far fetched.

For those of you that have better things to do than watch MTV and are unaware of what Catfish is, here is a brief summary. Basically it is a show based on connecting long term online lovers. The team comes in and films everything as they investigate their mystery lovers. Then they try to get ahold of them and have them meet in person. Sometimes it's girls pretending to be boys or vice versa, or sometimes they just don't hit it off like they thought they would, on rare occasion it actually works out.

So how can it be possible to be in love with someone you've never met? Or is it even possible? I would have to say that in my opinion I don't think you can really truly be "in love" with someone you haven't physically spent time with. You miss out on all the little unspoken things about them that create the bond of love.

But why then are so many people open to loving strangers they have never met and may never meet? I think it really speaks to the loneliness our generation feels. Are we really that desperate to find love that we are willing to create it with a stranger? Apparently so.

Someone you will never meet can never judge you for you flaws or imperfections. They will only love you for the parts of you that you let them see. It's so much safer than real life. You can place all your hopes and dreams into that person and be relatively confident you won't get hurt.

I'm sure the idea of meeting this person they have created this fantasy with is somewhat appealing. Why else would they go on the show. But often times it seems like there fantasy doesn't match up with reality.

I guess the moral of the story is that we can't let ourselves be so scared of the real world that we choose to live solely in online relationships. Sometimes reality hurts but that's just a chance you have to take to experience real life the way you should.




As Always, Stay Classy
XOXO

Hayley

Act Like a Man

I'm sure we are all familiar with the old adage, think like a man, act like a lady. But in today's college culture more and more women are changing it to act like a man. We justify our actions by saying we're just doing what all men do to us. There is just one little issue with this life philosophy.

Men don't necessarily do what women think they are doing. 

I will give you a minute to be shocked and let this soak in. Think about what your knowledge of college or any men is (if you are a male this won't really pertain to you). You probably envision a sweet talking, player that's goal is to get in as many girls pants as possible. While this may not be every guy I bet someone came into your head.

Going off this idea that men treat women like things to be conquered, it's easy for a female to justify sleeping around or treating men like objects. We're just doing what guys do right? That makes it ok. I think in a lot of women's heads they believe that they can never be worse than the guys, they're just keeping up and surviving.

The problem with this equation is that we over exaggerate how big of players men are. Take for instance a guy at my school that myself and a lot of the female population believe to be a "man-whore." Being the expert at creating awkward situations that I am, I point blank asked if this was true. He denied up an down that he had been whoring around the school. At first I was skeptical but after a good 45 minutes of interrogating him and his roommates I believed him.

In fact I can think of several other females on this campus that have significantly worse track records than he does. If the most notorious guy on campus really isn't that bad, then what does that mean for us girls?

We do things because we think other people are doing them also and it justifies our actions. But all this seems to have lead to is girls with higher numbers and lower self-esteem.

Maybe it's time we start basing our relationship/sexual choices on what we want not what we think other people are doing or what guys are doing. If you find someone you genuinely care about and who genuinely cares about you, how could you go wrong? Well probably a lot of ways but we'll save that for another day!

As always, stay classy
XOXO

Hayley

Can you be TOO open to love?

Sometimes I think that we want so desperately to not be alone, to find our perfect counterpart that we let that put blinders on us. We let our mission block out everyone around us, the warning signals in our heads, and we rush things.

I am definitely a rusher. I'm not a girl to be cautious or apprehensive about trusting or loving someone and I still have yet to decide whether that's a good or a bad thing.

I feel like I let my heart be open to all the possibilities and opportunities I can because I'm scared that if I don't I'll miss out. That the love of my life will pass me by. But on the flip side you often confuse love with lust and end up getting hurt.

My parents have always taught me that when you fall off the horse you have climb right back on otherwise you will be scared forever. I've applied that same theory to my love life but I wonder if that's right. Maybe if you are to open to love and falling in love you lose sight of when it's actually real.

How do you know it's real love when you feel like it could have been real love with so many others? Can you desensitize yourself to love by trying to love to much?

I'm not really sure, but it's a confusing, scary thought all the same. That we are so scared of missing out that we do miss out because we were looking for some profound signal to tell us when we were in love.

Maybe we all need to stop looking for the flashing neon light and huge signal and just let life take us where it will and see where we end up.

Just some thoughts for you all to chew on!

Stay True XOXO

Hayley

Officially a military girlfriend.

So R (the boy) told me tonight that he's going to have to do his basic training in August. He's in the Air Guard which to my understanding is like the Air Force Reserve I think. Honestly, I'd never heard of it before he told me about it.

I'm not sure how exactly I feel other than slightly overwhelmed. It's becoming real now. I mean I knew he was in the military but that seemed to be a very abstract concept to me before and now it's becoming real, with real dates and him really leaving. I feel like I've just gotten him and even though August may seem far off it's still to soon.

This whole long distance thing is new to me as is the military thing. It's not that any of it is an issue for me because I completely believe he is worth dealing with any distance or restrictions but it's all kind of scary and I think it's just because I don't know anything.

I don't even know what questions to ask or what it is that I don't know. He has grown up in a military family whereas I have grown up with my only military experience being history class and a class field trip to a military museum.

It's never a position I ever thought I would be in because honestly I've always said I wasn't into the "military thing." (Sorry if you're reading this R, please don't take that in a bad way!) It just seemed like you were adding extract challenges to your relationship that could be avoided. Why not pick a guy that you know will always be in one place and will always be doing boring stuff. It seemed simple.

The problem is that you don't "pick a guy." You can't help who you end up falling for and what type of  life style they are going to choose. You get lucky enough to find someone you think you just can't live without and then you take on anything else about their lives and make it work because they're worth waiting for.

I guess what scares me is that I don't have control of the situation. All my life I have know exactly where I will be, exactly what I will be doing, and exactly where I will be going. R comes from a completely different life of spontaneity and adventuring into the unknown.

I'm a little nervous but I'm also kind of excited. I think that it will be good for me to learn to let go of my ridged life style and embrace the unknown.

Crazy how blogging about something can make you feel so much better about it! 


Are any of my readers military girlfriends or wives that have dealt with the same experience?

Do soul mates exist?

Do you believe in soul mates? That there is one person on the whole earth that is your exact match and perfect counter balance? It's a pretty difficult concept to imagine that in a world of over 7 billion people and growing their is one person created specifically for you.

I'm a romantic but even I have lived most of my life under the impression that there are multiple "loves of your life." When you meet one of these people they will make you happy but you will never be any the wiser if there is a person that can possibly make you even happier out there. That's how it is possible to love multiple people in your lifetime and on unfortunate occasions at the same time.

But recently I have came tot the belief that my theories on soul mates have been wrong. I think there can be one person, one soul that is your perfect match. My opinion has changed because I personally think I have some how located my match or rather he found me (that's what he would say).

 I couldn't tell you how I know honestly, except that you can feel it, deep inside of you that they are perfectly made for you and that everything you have done in your life has been leading to this one person.

As I've gotten older, though I'm definitely not old by any means, I've come to realize that what is most important to a relationship is your values and what really makes you at your core. It's no that you both have the same favorite band or that you do the same sport, it's that what defines you is the same as what defines them.

For myself my family probably my biggest priority. When you date me you also "date" my siblings. With my current boyfriend he feels the exact same way about his family and he has actually gotten to know my sister also. I can't even begin to explain how much that means to me. But that's for another post to expain.

The moral of my story is that I have a renewed faith in relationships and in soul mates.

I know many of my followers are in a long term relationships or married and I'm curious if you think that you are with your soulmate?

But not to leave my single girls out, do you think finding your soul mate is possible?

No more single girl problems!!

You all have stood by me through all single girl issues since the beginning. Reading previous posts I can actually see the journey that I have made getting over my ex and learning to love just getting to be me. I think I was finally at a point where I was happy with myself and that I didn't need a new relationship to make me feel complete.

Well they say that when you stop looking that's right when a relationship falls into your lap. Ok, that's not exactly the saying but I feel like it's accurate to this situation.

I by no means have any problems with being single, but there is a certain incompleteness to it. That you don't have someone to cry to when your day has been bad or someone that will listen to you vent or get excited about something dumb with you. I have some incredible best friends that have done a hell of a job filling that role this past year but it's just not quite the same.

But anyway this brings me to say that Mr. Perfect is now all mine! Not completely official because he says he'll only ask me in person when he gets back but we're what my mother would call "exclusive." Honestly even if we weren't there is no one else I would even want to look at twice now that I've found him.

This is the text that he sent me after we got done Skyping for several hours (and driving my sister nuts because she said I was laughing to loud... oops :)). It pretty much sums up exactly why he is amazing and it completely cry worth. What he sent is the green.

And before you think oh is he ok with her posting that on her blog for the whole world to see, he understands my addiction to social media and over sharing all the cute things he says and does. Seriously he is perfect.

So I apologize in advance for all the gushing over how fantastic he is I will be doing from now on but I mean can you really blame me? I can't help but want the world to know I found this guy and he actually wants to be with ME!

Mr. Perfect has made an appearance!

I haven’t been able to post because guess what!! I got my own house with my baby sister! We still haven’t gotten Wi-Fi yet so I have to post this from my parent’s house. It should be up and running soon so I can continue to give you all the details! I will post about that tomorrow with picture but I have an even better topic today.

You all are very much aware of my single status. I post about it often enough! It’s been about 9 months or so since I’ve had a boyfriend. Only the way there have been a plethora of interested guys and guys I was interested in.

There were jerks, liars, duds, and just plain odd guys along the way. But none of them really seemed like anyone to get to worked up over in the end. There was never one that was like I real say the potential to have a real relationship with.

Until now!

If you follow my twitter you may have noticed that practically all I have been tweeting about recently is this wonderful boy I have recently met. And let me tell you he is absolutely perfect I mean I literally could not have dreamed up a better guy than this.

He did debate (like me), he’s a swimmer, in the air force, extremely intelligent, funny, sweet, and actually within a few hours of me (or will be soon). But the best part is he’s Catholic too! An actual practicing one not a I-Was-Baptisted-But-I-Haven’t-Stepped-Foot-In-A-Church-Since-Was-5-Catholic.

The exact moment I realized he was something special was when he practically recited parts of the Geneva Convention to me during a discussion about the treatment of terrorists. We’re just a tad nerdy, but seriously how many other guys would even want to talk about that much less know so much about it!

He said it was when I said I was catholic and that I liked guns. I guess that’s the country girl in me overcoming my liberal side. Currently he is on the West coast so unfortunately we won’t be able to see each other till sometime in June when he comes back into the area.

Until, then thank goodness for cell phones and skype!!

So you all should probably get prepared for an onslaught of mushy posts all about him but I can’t say that I’m sorry about it!

The Perfect Man

I was recently asked what my ideal man was. Obviously it would be Ryan Gosling (duh) but in reality I don't really have much of an idea. I know I want him to be smart and funny but that's about as far as my list goes. Going out into the dating world with no idea what you are looking for is like going shopping without any idea of what you are looking for. Most of the time you make purchases you never would have wanted to if you had planned out your shopping trip with what you actually needed or wanted.

Right now as far as guys go I keep buying that spurge item that you don't really want or need but seemed cool at the time but you end up throwing away soon. If you don't know what you want in a man how do you  find one that's a good  fit for you. I guess their is luck or chance but I've never been one to rely on the odds.

Because of this revelation I've decided to describe (using celebs and fictional characters of course) my perfect man so that maybe I'll have a clearer idea of what is important to me and what I'm looking for.

First of all my perfect man would look like Ryan Gosling ideally but for myself physical attributes often don't have much of a bearing. I have dated/liked guys of different races, heights, hair colors, eye colors, whatever. The only consistent thing for me is that I generally like guys that are thinner and have good hair but the rest is free game.

As far as personality goes I need a guy that is funny. He has to make me laugh on a daily basis, not a difficult thing to do. I'm imagining my perfect man's humor to be like Johnny Depp's, a little quirky and off color. Not the obvious knee slapping humor like Jim Carey.

He has to be kind and loving imagine Noah from The Notebook (Ryan is going to be referenced a lot I think!). He loved Allie all the way till the end and was so patient and gentle with her.

He has to be loyal like Peeta was to Katniss. No matter how much she hurt him Peeta was always looking out for Katniss's best interest. He would do anything for her. If Peeta was a real person he would definitely be my ideal man. I know he's not as firery as Gale but I think he has the long lasting qualities.

He has to be intelligent and driven, yet have a regard for morals at the same time. This maybe an obscure reference so I apologize but I want a guy like Alan Shore in Boston Legal. He was a witty, charming and extremely intelligent lawyer. But when it came down to it he always stood by his moral code and I respect that a lot.

He has to have a goofy, childish side. I want a guy that isn't afraid to be immature. Like he does magic tricks or juggles or likes to do 1,000 piece puzzles with his little brother. This doesn't really match any celebrity I can think of but it's just somethings that have really made me like some other guys.

The last thing is optional but would be a definite plus. I want a guy that is artistic whether that be he is a writer or an artist or a musician their is just something about that creative flare that draws you in.

So what makes up your ideal man or do you already have your ideal man? Lucky for you that already do!