Is the internet killing romance?

One of women's all time favorite things to do is talk about how they wish romance was still like it was in old timey movies. Famous lines from movies like, It's a Wonderful Life, "you want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down," have us starstruck by the sweet, romanticism of it all. While part of the problem is that movies aren't real life, a larger and more solvable problem is that our technological generation is killing the romance.

It's a Wonderful Life

Men don't get a chance to tell us sweet lines like that because often times we have made our decision on what we think of them way before we actually give them a chance. Can our access to virtually all the information we could ever want about a person be the reason there is no more romance in our love lives? I think the answer is yes, for several reasons.

First of all, we no longer "get to know someone" in any kind of traditional sense. With a few quick taps on our keyboard we can know everything about a person, their birthday, favorite color, great aunt, the picture of them in their hometown newspaper when they won a ribbon for participation in a wrestling tournament when they were 8 years old, everything.

Spend a little less time doing this...

The problem with this is that when we learn about someone through a computer or phone screen we miss out on all the best stuff. We don't get to hear the funny story that goes along with newspaper clipping. We don't get to hear why their past relationship didn't work out from them. An electronic device can't show you the way they snort when they recall a good memory or the pain still present when talking about a family pet that passed. You miss out on so much.

Not only do you miss out learning more about them you either fall in love with or dislike someone based on their online profile. Someone can seem perfect for you through the lens of what they choice to post and write about themselves, but it can't show you the real them. It can also cause you to not give them a chance because you think you know something about them, without letting them offer an explanation.

Those are just the major issues that come up. We haven't even talked about accidentally bringing up a personal fact they haven't told you yet or the fact that you miss out on all the excitement.

... More time doing this.

So the point that knowledge is power. It's great to know a little something about someone before you devote time to them. But at what cost? The next time you meet a new guy or gal instead of heading straight to their facebook to analyze every girl that's posted on their wall in the past year or try and decide if that's their sister or an ex-girlfriend, stop and think about what you're doing.

Part of the fun of dating is the discovery. Finding out bit by bit about someone new. Romance lies in the mystery of not knowing all the facts. Googling someone is like starting a new book at the ending, which you just should never do. So unless you are one of those horrible people that read the endings of books first, resist the urge to google and let the romance thrive.


As always, stay classy
XOXO

Hayley

Let's Talk About Sex

Let's talk about sex baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and 

the bad things that may be.

Being in a relatively progressive college sometimes makes me forget about how little sex was talked about before I was in college. The good, the bad, I didn't know much besides that it was evil. As the gym teacher in Mean Girls puts it, "if you have sex you WILL get pregnant and you WILL die." While they were exaggerating a bit for humor that's pretty similar to the sex education I received in High School and that a lot of other people did to. Not only did this damage me in not understanding some very important fundamentals of life but it took away my choice to make good decisions about my sex life. 

What we're taught.

So sex is bad. We got it. But just because that's what we were taught it doesn't mean that we aren't still having sex. We're just having it uninformed about how to do it safely or at the right time. I am understand the firm belief that abstinence only training has not only ignored how to have safe sex but has made it so shameful to actually discuss that no one wants to talk about issues like choosing the right persons to have sex with, when to do it, how to do, etc. 

The argument is always that if you aren't mature enough to discuss it you shouldn't be having it. But sometimes it's not an issue of maturity. I'm a pretty mature person for my age but the words penis and vagina make me cringe (just cringed typing that). It's not something that you should be able to say in public, or so my school system taught me. The discuss of masturbation makes me blush redder than a tomato, and that's discussing it with girls, don't even get me started on talking about it with boys. 

By being taught that our bodies and sexual urges are something we should be ashamed of we never get to the point where we are comfortable enough to discuss it with our sexual partners, maybe ever. But we still have sex with people and then end up confused when things happen that we don't understand. Maybe your partner has trouble getting turned on or get off but there is NO WAY IN HELL you could ever talk with them about it much less someone else to solve the problem. 

Though a lot of these things make me cringe I would still say I'm a pretty liberal person when it comes to talking about sex. I have a tendency to make a lot of people uncomfortable by simply saying what I'm thinking in mixed company (aka with boys and girls). This openness is something I learned on my own. In high school I was literally told that touching boys at all made you a slut. 

Even though I still have a little ways to go in leaving the stigmas about sexuality behind, I think that not being "afraid" of talking about sex has helped me make more responsible choices and have a more gratifying sex life. 

Sex happens. It's how we all go here so why are we so freaked out by it. Teaching people that abstinence is the only way creates many more problems than it fixes. You should be able to have the choice to have sex or wait and do it with whoever you want. We should be telling people how to do it the right way not shaming them for doing it all. 

As always, stay classy

XOXO

Hayley Kiah 

Happy World Down Syndrome Day!

In case you didn't know today is World Down Syndrome Day, yay!! The reasoning behind choosing March 21st is that it is honoring the 21st chromosome that causes down syndrome. This day is especially close to my heart because my big sister Emy Jo has down syndrome.

Being goofy, as usual!

Warning: I'm about to get really mushy gushy on you but you should enjoy it!

On occasion when I say that I have a sister with down syndrome people apologize and tell me how sorry they are, which honestly just makes me laugh. Sorry? Why on earth should you be sorry it is easily one of the best blessing I've ever been given in my life.

Emy has contributed enormously to shaping the person that I am and the dynamics of my whole family.   Among the great things she has taught me such as being patient (you need A LOT of patience with her), being responsible, being aware of how amazing my parents truly are, she has shown us how to live a life of perpetual innocence.

Emy's favorite person Jale.

She has been blessed with the ability to never see anything wrong in the world. Emy has never meant a bad person and she doesn't really understand that anyone can be a bad person. How amazing must it be to not judge anyone or have any ability to be jaded from the cruelty of the world. Emy loves everyone equally and whole heartedly and I think she has taught us how to do the same.

But, Emy wouldn't be the amazing person she is without my incredible parents. Honestly, and I'm not just saying this, my parents are the most generous, wonderful people in the whole world. They do so much and sacrifice so much for all of us. They couldn't have done a better job with Emy or the rest of us.

Okay, I'm done being all mushy now but truly I wouldn't be the person I am without Emy and I wouldn't even want to imagine what life would have been like without her. So have a great day and remember to never take for granted the blessing you are given no matter how they are packaged.

So I will leave you with the worlds cutest picture ever.


As always, stay classy
XOXO

Hayley Kiah

Baby brother

Can your friends ruin your love life?

If you're like most people in college your best friends are probably a big part of your life. Without your family nearby they become your family away from home. You share everything from clothes and shoes to advice and stories they know pretty much every detail of your life.

You love your friends, but does your relationship with them stop you from having real romantic relationships? Maybe they do. Approaching a girl is scary and immidating. Imagine having to approach a huge group of girls that are all sizing you up and judging your every move. The impenetrable block that are your girlfriends are a surefire way for a guy to move on to a girl that seems more approachable.

The Spice Girls

My girl group consists of 6 females with wildly different personalities but very strong opinions. We've been called the Cheeta Girls, Mean Girls, but the most popular is the Spice Girls. We're know for being inseparable, which isn't a good thing for any guy that wants to talk to us. 

So how do you get guys to approach you without giving up your girl time? 

• Branch Out: I know you love your friends and want to spend every waking moment with them, but try to do somethings on your own. Go to an event on campus solo or join a new club. You'll make some new friends, seem ultra-confident, and be much easier for guys to want to talk to.

• Make Your Own Decisions: Even though you want run everything you do or say by your girls resist the urge and go with your gut. When you have to second guess everything or have your friends approve every text you send, you lose a little bit of the fun.

• Be Independent: Obviously you're going to still go out with your friends but try going to the bathroom on your own, get a new drink by yourself, or dance solo. They're not kidding when they say confidence is sexy. No guy will be able to take his eyes off you when they see that you're not attached to another girl. 

Inseparable where ever we go!

Just because you want to land a guy doesn't mean you should give up your relationship with your girlfriends. But try to act a little more like you're in college and not 7th grade and you'll seem like some one a guy (hopefully a worthwhile guy) would want to take to. 

As always, stay classy

XOXO

Hayley

Is honesty really the best policy?

“People who are brutally honest get more satisfaction out of the brutality than out of the honesty.”

 Richard J. Needham

Imagine a world where people really say what they mean. I mean really say the complete and honest truth. That sounds great right? No one lies to anyone. But sometimes it seems like the truth can hurt more than a lie. Brutal honesty isn't exactly a walk in the park.

One of the most confusing parts about girls or human beings in general is that we have no idea what we want. We say we want the truth but really we only want the sugar coating. The truth is a lot like a bowl of trail mix. We buy it but all you really want is the m&ms.

So I guess the problem is that we have different styles of communicating and how we want that truth given to us. For myself just straight up telling me the truth that you don't like me or think I'm terrible at my job is going to make me start crying. But for others that may be the best way to give them feedback.

Think about how this applies to relationships when the two people don't understand how each other communicate and how many pointless fights are started over it. The "does this make me look fat" question is a perfect example. While some women may prefer honesty others just want you to tell them they look nice and aren't looking for a real answer.

While I would never condone lying or dishonesty (that's probably my biggest pet peeve ever) I don't know that you always have to tell the whole brutal truth because most of the time I'd rather just not know that the reason you broke up with me was because you thought you had a chance with my even hotter sister. Isn't just tell me things aren't working out. I know it's not quite the truth but it still gets the same point across.

So ladies or gentleman for my occasional male reader think about how you want to be talked to. Do you prefer to have things sugar coated or is the harsh truth better for you? Do you prefer to be told bad things or even good things through writing on face to face discussion? You don't have to sit your partner down and demand they talk to you that way but you can subtly hint that when they are really harsh with you it hurts your feelings or that you don't appreciate them trying to soften bad news.

Whatever the case you need to find out your communication style and the communication style of the person you are with if you want to have a solid, open relationship with less hurt feeling. But above all remember that being dishonest is never the answer just find the right way to present the truth.




As always, stay classy
XOXO

Hayley

The Deal on the DTR: Defining the Relationship

There is perhaps nothing more awkward that the in-between stage of a relationship where you know you like someone and that there is some sort of thing going on but you are unsure of the other persons feelings or commitment to it. In college it's generally that we're hooking up but is there more to it than that? But it can also simply be that you are going on dates or spending a lot of time together and unsure of what it all means.

Simply put, it's awkward and confusing and puts you in a super weird position when trying to describe your relationship. Most of us just settle on the word thing, which is about as un-descriptive as it gets.

So the real question we all want answered is how do you know or find out if your thing is leading towards something. The first step to honestly evaluate the type of relationship you currently are having.

• Are you both initiating conversation and hanging out/dates? 
• How much have you guys gotten to actually know each other? 
• Can you hang out in a non-sexual situation? Do you even want to?
• Have they confirmed having feelings for you or at least an interest in you and your life?

If the answer to a lot of these questions is no then I'm sorry to say it sounds like you are on a one sided relationship without getting any love in return. Not to say that a relationship isn't possible but don't lie to yourself and end up getting hurt. If you are unsure then you're probably not being honest with yourself, think again.

If you answered yes to most of these questions then it sure sounds like there is something more to this than just the friendship or sexual aspect. If this is your case then terrific! But what the heck do you do now?

This is where we get to the gritty nasty stuff. The dreaded DTR or Defining the Relationship conversation. The first step though is to not refer to it as the DTR that will only shut the other person down from having a serious conversation if they think it's a "relationship talk."

There are a few basic things you should find out or at least establish. Are you exclusive? You don't have to be someones girlfriend/boyfriend to claim exclusivity in your relationship. Setting that boundary is the first step. 

Second, what are they looking for? Are they leaving to join the Peace Corp in a month and not wanting anything serious or are they wanting to get settled down in the near future? These are important things to establish so that you can see if you want the same things. 

Third, don't push the label thing, at first. So you can both agree that you like spending time together and don't want to be seeing other people. That doesn't mean that you have to declare yourself boyfriend and girlfriend or partners or whatever you want to call it. Take a chill pill and let whatever happens develop. If you are exclusively seeing each other already not being labeled isn't hurting you that much. The exception to this is if it gets to be an absurdly long amount of time and the other person just isn't willing to put a title on it for whatever reason. When you are sure that you are a couple and they just won't say it give an ultimatum and chances are they'll change their mind. 

The main thing you need to remember is that this is your relationship, no one elses. So don't worry about giving other people the labels they want to hear. Are you happy with your situation? If so then don't worry about anyone else! 

In any case, good luck and I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

As always, stay classy

Hayley

XOXO

Lady in the Streets, Freak in the Sheets

Lady in the streets, freak in the sheets. 

You could say that this phrase accurately describes what men want and what a lot of young women aspire to be. A quick search on twitter will reveal this exact philosophy being tweeted and retweeted endless times on a daily basis. It's a saying that has been engrained in our culture but greatly contradicts everything else our society tells us. 

Women by societies standards are not supposed to admit to having any kind of sexuality but at the same time are supposed to be able to turn on the sex-kitten when with a man. It creates an intense double standard for young women where we are told to be sexual "freaks" but conceal it from society. 

Heaven forbid anyone finds out that you are a "freak in the sheets" because you're required to be a lady! Then you're a slut that is unacceptable for dating. 

This double standard is not only applied in how we are supposed to act but in how we are supposed to dress. Wearing anything low cut or tight makes you easy and a whore. But if you dress to conservatively you're prude, up-tight, or stuck up.

Essentially we can't win. You can't be the lady and the freak without being somehow wrong. This idea that is imposed on women is not only silly but damaging. It creates a standard that we can never fit and lends way to objectifying women even more. That to be ideal you have to be a sexual goddess and a perfect lady at the same time.

How about we go back to simply being ourselves. I am neither a perfect lady or a sexual freak, I'm Hayley and I'm defined by a lot of things but not some gimicky phrase.


Everyone, especially women need to stop reenforcing these double standards and negative messages. Start defining yourself by your words and your actions not what you think men want you to be.


As always, stay classy
XOXO

Hayley