The Deal on the DTR: Defining the Relationship

There is perhaps nothing more awkward that the in-between stage of a relationship where you know you like someone and that there is some sort of thing going on but you are unsure of the other persons feelings or commitment to it. In college it's generally that we're hooking up but is there more to it than that? But it can also simply be that you are going on dates or spending a lot of time together and unsure of what it all means.

Simply put, it's awkward and confusing and puts you in a super weird position when trying to describe your relationship. Most of us just settle on the word thing, which is about as un-descriptive as it gets.

So the real question we all want answered is how do you know or find out if your thing is leading towards something. The first step to honestly evaluate the type of relationship you currently are having.

• Are you both initiating conversation and hanging out/dates? 
• How much have you guys gotten to actually know each other? 
• Can you hang out in a non-sexual situation? Do you even want to?
• Have they confirmed having feelings for you or at least an interest in you and your life?

If the answer to a lot of these questions is no then I'm sorry to say it sounds like you are on a one sided relationship without getting any love in return. Not to say that a relationship isn't possible but don't lie to yourself and end up getting hurt. If you are unsure then you're probably not being honest with yourself, think again.

If you answered yes to most of these questions then it sure sounds like there is something more to this than just the friendship or sexual aspect. If this is your case then terrific! But what the heck do you do now?

This is where we get to the gritty nasty stuff. The dreaded DTR or Defining the Relationship conversation. The first step though is to not refer to it as the DTR that will only shut the other person down from having a serious conversation if they think it's a "relationship talk."

There are a few basic things you should find out or at least establish. Are you exclusive? You don't have to be someones girlfriend/boyfriend to claim exclusivity in your relationship. Setting that boundary is the first step. 

Second, what are they looking for? Are they leaving to join the Peace Corp in a month and not wanting anything serious or are they wanting to get settled down in the near future? These are important things to establish so that you can see if you want the same things. 

Third, don't push the label thing, at first. So you can both agree that you like spending time together and don't want to be seeing other people. That doesn't mean that you have to declare yourself boyfriend and girlfriend or partners or whatever you want to call it. Take a chill pill and let whatever happens develop. If you are exclusively seeing each other already not being labeled isn't hurting you that much. The exception to this is if it gets to be an absurdly long amount of time and the other person just isn't willing to put a title on it for whatever reason. When you are sure that you are a couple and they just won't say it give an ultimatum and chances are they'll change their mind. 

The main thing you need to remember is that this is your relationship, no one elses. So don't worry about giving other people the labels they want to hear. Are you happy with your situation? If so then don't worry about anyone else! 

In any case, good luck and I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.

As always, stay classy

Hayley

XOXO

Dear 14 Year Old Self

Dear 14 year old Me,

You're not going to want to hear this, but you don't have it all figured out. The things that you think mean the whole world, like getting your first kiss, falling in love, getting that boy to like you, they aren't that important so don't sweat it.

You are going to have your heart broken when that boy you really liked tells you he doesn't feel the same way at the track meet. But you should be so proud that you didn't cry because he will gain about 50 lbs. and stay in your hometown.

My "boyfriend" when I was 14.

You will think that your first kiss is the most important thing in the world and that it is all you care about getting. Believe me, it won't be that great. In fact it will be absolutely terrible! But don't worry there will be many more kisses to come with boys you really care about.

You may think that you aren't popular or cool because you don't want to party. Those people will end up dropping out of college and staying at home. You are so much better than them.

My baby sister and I

In the years to come you'll go against your gut and make decisions you will regret. But just remember that the most important thing you have is your family and you should never let anyone or any boy come in between your relationship with them.

Most of all remember that even when it seems like the world is over, your life is just beginning.


Love,
20 year old You

Basket of Broken Eggs

In a recent conversation I was having with a guy friend he told me something so true, "All you girls put all your eggs in one basket and when shit starts to go sour you freak out." Not only did it entertain me immensely but I realized it was also so true!!

Cute eggs!!

It got me thinking that as girls we do put all our hopes in one thing, usually one guy, then when it doesn't work out we are crushed. Why do we constantly do this to ourselves? We obviously learn that it's not good idea the first time it happens, yet we consistently do it over and over again.

What is it about us as women that makes us consistently do things that we know are bad for us? We date the jerks. We forgive the cheaters. We trust the players. Yet almost every time exactly what we knew would happen, happens.

I think it's that all of us try to believe in the good in people.


We think every frog has the potential to be our prince charming when the truth of the matter is that a lot of them are just frogs. 


But while we continue to let ourselves get hurt by "putting all our eggs in one basket" I honestly can't say I wouldn't want it any other way. Sure all my eggs may get broken when he turns out to not be as amazing as I thought but I wouldn't want to miss out by not giving everything my all. 


I believe in living life to the fullest and that means putting my all into everything I do. Holding back because we're scared of getting hurt only hurts us more in the long run. 


So I challenge you to try and give everything your all be fearless! We have to hurt to feel the high of real unconditional love. 




As Always, Stay Classy
XOXO


Classy

Actions Speak Louder Than Words But....

We've all heard the saying actions speak louder than words. But just because we don't necessarily go through with our actions doesn't mean that our words don't still hurt. Sometimes we think we are saying things in private or even just in our thoughts. But our feelings always have a way of coming out.

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I recently unintentionally hurt someone and their reputation by words that I thought would never get back to them. Every action has a equal reaction. So even when we say things that we don't truly mean someone can still get hurt.

All I can say is think always before you act. Women have a bad tendency to let their emotions take over and do the thinking for them but don't forget to still use your brain even when you are upset!!

That's all I have to say for you guys today. Hope you can learn from my mistakes!



As Always, Keep it Classy
XOXO


Classy

Zooey Deschanel: Making Quirky Cool

If you have ever seen Zooey Deschanel in her latest show New Girl you can probably guess exactly what this post is going to be about. Even if you have seen her in anything else she is in Yes Man, 500 Days of Summer, The Happening, and Almost Famous you'll understand that she is probably the cutest quirky girl there is.

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But what I love about her is that she girls the awkward girl a fighting chance! Not only is she known for her quirkiness on screen but also the fact that she's gorgeous and such a likable character. 

As a girl or even just a person that would like to fit in, in society I can understand the pressure to be "normal." I've never considered myself to be sexy or suave so I feel like it was a major struggle through my early teens to try and be what I was "supposed to be." 

Laughing to loudly, being clumsy, telling those dead end stories that aren't so funny, these are all things that I tried to hide because I didn't want to be weird. What I think Zooey has done is make all those things that would seem out of place desirable qualities. 

Guys now openly appreciate and admire girls with a little extra pizzazz. Which means there is hope for girls like me and I'm sure many others!! 

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So let this be my official declaration that awkwardness is in!!

Take a page out of Zooey's character, Jess's book and cry while watching Dirty Dancing over and over and over and over.... Make up a song to sing about everything. Most of all just be yourself and don't be afraid of what that is!!

As Always, Keep it Classy

XOXO

Classy 

Cover it Up to Class it Up

One of my biggest pet peeves is that women complain so much about men disrespecting them when they haven't done anything to earn their respect in the first place. First impressions are everything not only in professional situations but in life in general.

No ones taking her seriously!

Fact: People will judge you by your appearance.

Because of that you hold the key to how they will make their decision and a lot of it will be based on how you are dressed. So here is my little twist on the golden rule:

Dress yourself like how you want others to treat you. 


I can tell you for a fact that people will respect you more and take you more seriously if you don't walk around with massive cleavage. As women we are already fighting an uphill battle to be respect by men and society. When we dress provocatively we may get attention but definitely not in the right way. Men stop listening to wait we have to say and start thinking with the head below the belt. There is definitely a time and a place for this but everyday life is not it unless you are a hooker.

This all may seem like common sense but I think it still needs to be said. Sometimes we say one thing but don't match our actions. So before you go to class, work, or just to hang out with friends think about what message you are sending with your outfit and is it the one you want to send??


As Always, Keep it Classy
XOXO


Classy

It's Not Over

It's not over, it's not over. It's never over. Unless you let it take you. It's not over, it's not over. It's never over. Unless you let it break you. 

- Secondhand Serenade

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I literally listened to this song on repeat for days underneath my fuzzy pink blanket when I broke up with my first boyfriend. It really makes me think about if it is ever really over. Do we ever completely fall out of love with someone? And if so does that mean that we never truly loved them in the first place?

Looking back on my past relationship I think about all the promises that were made. The promise to never leave, to never stop loving. At the time it felt so real and it was an honest promise. But in retrospect it makes me wonder if I'm still continuing to keep this promise or if I always knew all along that I really wouldn't keep it.

I'm at that point in singledom where I'm over the boy but not yet over the relationship. Spending three years of your life with someone is difficult to erase from your memory. Some mornings I wake up and I forget that we're not together anymore. Or I have a dream that we're together and he's changed.

It's funny how falling in love happens so quickly while falling back out of love takes so much time and effort. I guess that's because were love easy and are always fearful of letting go, even of bad things.

I remembered learning in school that you should never touch something hot with palm because your muscles reaction to heat is to close around it. Bad relationships are like that. Even though it hurts it's so hard to let go of them because it's your reaction to hold on.

The lesson to be learned here is that your burns from holding on may never truly heal. You will always be left with scars but we learn to get over them as much as we can and love someone else. The memories of past loves will always linger but we grow from them and become stronger in the future.

Just my daily rant for the day!! Made me feel better to get it out.



As Always, Stay Classy
XOXO

Classy

The Importance of Telling the Truth

Confession, I absolutely HATE disappointing people or hurting their feelings. I can't stand telling someone no about anything. Sometimes in my pursuit to be nice I end up being way more cruel than I really actually intended to be.

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A great example of this is a guy that has liked me for several months that I have been avoiding telling that he has no chance for a relationship. I have known that I would never date actually date this guy all along yet I wouldn't ever just straight up tell him this. 

I guess I just thought that if I kept ignoring his texts he would get the hint but after trying that for several weeks it clearly wasn't going to work. 

This back and forth has been going on for a few months and it was my New Year's resolution to finally tell this guy that he didn't actually have a chance. I thought it would be terrible but turns out he was totally ok with just being friends and appreciated my honesty in just telling him.

So ends up that I yet through a lot more trouble than was actually necessary. I guess the moral is that if you have something you need to say then just say it. Honesty is almost always the best policy!!

As Always, Keep it Classy

XOXO

Classy

A Generation Without Love

We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together. 

-Drake 

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I think that our generation is underestimated. They make us out to be that  all we care about is sex and emotion free hook-ups. I will admit we put up quite a good front. Our music, our shows, our styles, our behaviors all make us seem as though we have risen above the need for feelings.

I think that the love, the feeling, the emotions are all still there they are just more easily disguised than before. Or maybe it's the fact that nothing is disguised anymore. Sexuality is a common theme in nearly everything for our generation but just because we own up to our human desires doesn't mean we've lost the most basic of ones. 

We are the generation that can disconnect ourselves from our emotions. We can have sex without a second thought about the consequences but bury the emotions deep inside.

Who can blame us for making our skin thick though? We continually watch relationships crumble, with divorce rates through the roof many of us have had front row seats. If love doesn't last then why would we ever want to believe in it or share it with someone else. 

People that have been hurt before tend to keep their guard up. That's exactly what our generation does. We keep our guard up about love because we know how bad it can hurt and how often it does. We live in fear of actually believing in something only to watch it fall apart. 

In the end it's not the love that is gone for us. It is the trust in that love that has really disappeared. We can't believe in what we feel because what we feel is fleeting and only lasts a moment. 

This brings to mind a line from How I Met Your Mother, Ted says, "The beauty in the moment is that it is fleeting."

I guess the lesson learned here is that we are a generation of the vulnerable people of scared to admit we are in love  because we are scared it won't last. But when we don't allow ourselves to be in love we miss out on so much more than we ever know. So my call to you is to turn us from a generation of "not being in love and not being together" to being a generation that loves without regret and finds a way to make it last. 

As Always, Stay Classy

XOXO

Classy 

He Loves Me, He loves Me Not.

We've all been there. Trying to figure out if a guy likes you or not. Desperately checking your Facebook messages to see if he possibly sent you a message asking for your number. Well ok I'll admit if he doesn't know you exist yet he probably doesn't like you. But I put this question up to my guy friends and here are the dirty dets on how to tell if he's interested. 

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Despite the common misconception that boys only talk about sports and sex they do sometimes talk about their feelings. Probably not to the extent that girls do but they may drop a "dude I'm into this girl" during their guy talk. This means that not only can you interrogate his friends (probably shouldn't actually do that) but also that whatever things other guys are saying will also be heard by them.

As it was put by my boy bestie, "We know about your past and what you did."So if you are wanting a guy to like you but you're hooking up with someone else they will know about it!

But here are some classic signs that girls misinterpret:

He looked at me- Just because I guys smiles at you or glances your way does not mean he is smitten with you. He could simply be trying to be polite or be noticing that you a raccoon eye going on. So don't read into it to much!

He texts you- This is a tricky one because you don't know what is normal for them. What's important to look for is when he texts you, how often. Do you notice him texting all the time when you're around him? Then he's probably just bored and wants to chat with you or is a player looking to get some. 

He messaged you on Facebook- This is where we start going into booty call land. Sure it's great that he messages you frequently but has he ever wrote on your wall or down any publicly viewable?? If not he's trying to keep his options open and doesn't want other girls to see. If he's messaging you, just how many other girls is he talking to??

These are mistakes that I myself and I'm sure many other girls and probably guys have made. We can't let our fantasy that they like us skew the reality that they may not. That's when we get our feelings hurt. If it seems like he's not that into you stop wasting your time and be with someone that is dying to be with you. 

As Always, Keep it Classy

XOXO

Classy

What Men Want

So since I did a post on what girls want my guy friends thought that their opinions needed to be heard too! And believe me did they have some opinions. Get excited because this is actually going to be part of a three part series!! Try to contain your joy and lets get started.

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What I’ve discovered is that guys basically want what girls want someone that’s honest and straightforward with them as they described it a “straight shooting woman that tells it like it is.” Not surprising that this what EVERYONE wants so enough with silly games we all need to just say what we mean and life will become considerably easier.

While every guys perfect girl is different there were a few key things that I noticed from them and from other guys that they look for in a girl. 

• Having a Brain- Shocker, boys like girls that have the ability to have a conversation. In fact they find playing dumb to be just dumb and unattractive. Guys want a girl they can talk with and relate too. You don't have to be interested in the same stuff just able to hold your own in a conversation. 

• Disagree- Agreeing with them about everything they say is "one of the most annoying things ever." This kind of goes along with having a brain they want a girl that is her own person and doesn't act like a bobble head going uh hu repeat.

• Laugh- I think a nearly everyone wants someone with a sense of humor and that can take a joke. While being goofy is fun be careful not to overdo it. Don't be a) joking 24/7 and never be able to be serious or b) laughing like a hyena, not attractive.

• Be Classy- While having your tah tah's hanging out may get you a lot of male attention it's not the kind of attention that will get them to take you seriously. Sure they like seeing the goods but why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? So ladies if you are trying to land a guy give off the right impression and look classy.

I feel like these are all pretty reasonable requests that us ladies can attempt to fulfill. Some other things that were mentioned were that they like girls that are good kissers (no surprise there), have nice hair, and that have accents. 

Overall though what guys and girls for that matter want most for the person they are with the be themselves. There is nothing hotter than a genuine personality. If they don't like who you are then they definitely aren't the person for you. 

Tomorrow look for how to get a guys attention, as told by men!!

As Always, Stay Classy

XOXO

Classy

P.S. If you have differing opinions tell me! classyinkc@yahoo.com or on twitter @Classy_In_KC

What Girls Want: Revealed

The great mystery of life what women want from men. The truth is that women don’t have the first clue what they want. We pick guys that put us down and treat us like jerks because sometimes we feel like we don’t deserve any better. 

Nice guys finish last, that’s the saying isn’t it. Well nice guys just have to know how to be good guys but in the right way. It’s complicated I know!

First off, don’t be to nice. Like if I say oh I really love those girls shoes don’t go out and buy them for me. That’s just creepy unless we’re dating. We don’t want someone that’s a push over so don’t try to just agree and do everything we ask, put up a fight it makes more excitement. 

Secondly, don’t be a jerk. It’s okay to joke around and be silly but overall we want you to respect us. If you’re talking to a girl you don’t think you can respect then maybe you shouldn’t be talking to her…. 

Third, we analyze everything so don’t send us the mixed signals. Yes flirty playfulness is sweet but playing games is not. Don’t lead us on if you have no real intentions of dating us. That’s just cruel.

Fourth, be straight about what it is that you’re looking for. Most girls, at least that I know just want to know what you’re looking for. If all you want is someone to hook up with that’s ok, maybe that’s what she wants too. But if it’s not you’re just going to really end up hurting her. But that can also go the other way. If you are looking for a long term relationship make that clear because she may not be ready or wanting that.

Most of all what girls want is to be treated like they are important. We want you to want us and to care about us and what we have to say. Actually listening to a girl and and really being concerned about her feelings and thoughts is the sexiest thing you can do. 

Hopefully this helps clear some things up for you boys and girls if you have anything to add be sure to let me know!

As Always, Keep it Classy

XOXO

Classy